i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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