You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
