i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
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You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
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Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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