My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
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Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
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Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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