I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
