my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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