someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
