there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
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he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Shame is for Republicans.
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