You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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