Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
