hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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