It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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