I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
