there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
