So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
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