My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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