this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
