he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
