I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
