Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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