Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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