My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
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I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
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If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
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