I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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