There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
