Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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