I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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