Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
