hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
