Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
