You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
