The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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