I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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