I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
