i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
