I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
