the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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