I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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