I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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