using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
