It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
