my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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