i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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