I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
