I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
