Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
