my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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