Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
