fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
