his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
where are you?
Hypothermia
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
