I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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