Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
