Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
