Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
