My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
