drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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