I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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