Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
