Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
