you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
