took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Buhtt sex?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
