You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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